Though I have wanted desperately to write, I’ve been unable to for a while. I’ve been rather childish lately. Because I found myself wondering if God withdrew from me, I pulled back from him. I wonder if anyone else does this. I know we, at least I, do this with my spouse and with my very closest girlfriends sometimes; thus, I suppose it should not shock me at all that I should do this with God. Such dances seem to happen in our most intimate relationships.
I believe my withdrawal has had to do with a number of undesirable dominoes in my life which have seemed to bump up against each other at precisely the same moment, the same series of moments really. The last domino was unexpected oral surgery that came about as a result of a routine dental cleaning. So, during the last week of school for my daughter, I had several pieces of my palate removed; and it was no fun at all, to say the least. I’ve certainly been through worse though, and remembering that was not all bad.
Slowing down was not all bad either. And having to think about, really think about, everything I was going to eat/drink was very good for me too. Having extra time for rest while recuperating, and extra time for reading, was good for me as well. The focus of one of the books I read was C.S. Lewis’ journey from atheism to Christianity; the book is called “Surprised by Joy.” I chose this book because my dear friend, sister of faith and fellow blogger, whose blog is Glorious Weakness, happened to be reading it.
As people familiar with Lewis know well, his writing can be overwhelming at times. I found myself looking up several of the spiritual/philosophical movements Lewis discussed, movements with which I was not very familiar at all but which seemed to be popular in the academic circles of his day. Great reads do/should challenge us I think. Amidst the complexities of his writing/thoughts, I found Lewis’ account so life-changing that I also found myself unable to regret my palate scars since those seem to be what led to the sequence of events that brought me together with this book of his. I just can’t figure out how I’ve been a fan of his for many years yet have just now read the particulars of his journey to Christ.
Since my husband gets very annoyed with me when I dog-ear pages, I developed a new system this time. I put sticky notes on the pages that I wanted to revisit, which was every page containing what I refer to as quotable quotes. Among the first such quotes was one that has to do with the hardness of God. Lewis says that the hardness of God is kinder than the softness of man. I happened to read that part right before bedtime one night, and I went to sleep and woke up the next morning still mulling it over.
He is, of course, right. Even our kindest acts down here are corrupt, by holy standards that is. Our most gracious deeds for one another are so often done with only, or at least primarily, ourselves in sight–even the things we dare to do in the very name of God. No, we just cannot seem to find a way to take ourselves out of the equation; and I don’t think we ever will, not as long as we’re on this side of Heaven. Mixed motives will plague us all until we are devoid of the flesh that we spend this life fighting against.
I have certainly felt this very strongly as of late. When it seemed that my flesh had once again chosen to turn on me, I had to fight very hard to not doubt the Goodness of the One who created my very flesh and who’s never once chosen to corrupt it. Yes, the hardness of God is much kinder indeed than the softness of man, because the character and integrity of the possessor, the one to whom the hardness or the softness actually belongs, is what ultimately matters. And unlike every single one of us down here, the pureness/perfection of God’s nature never, ever need be in question.
I am all to familiar with those dances, my self. This post is so raw and inspiring. Love 🙂
Thank you, Wal! Your continued support and encouragement, and your friendship, mean so very much to me. Love you, sis!:)
Angela sorry I’ve been a little slow in keeping up with ur blog lately lots of things going on here. Reading Hardness of God makes me think alot about what u have said. I think most of us shy away or get away from closeness of all people at one time or another. Sometimes God must step in even on one his children and say let’s think about all of this and re-think things. For me to slow down , rest, read and slowly think about things in my life.Sometimes when we want to do something so bad and we can’t there’s a good reason.Recently I wanted to sew so badly for my house and was excited but so many things got in my way with thoughts and worries I should have turned over to God anyway.This is only a simple thing compared to your writing but I say all this to say once I let go of worries and things I couldn’t handle: I woke up one morning and knew this would be my day to sew. I first had my devotional time and coffee and thanked God for never leaving me and also giving me common sense enough to know, he had allowed things to work out and the fun I’ve had and ideas I have now were well worth the wait. Still want us to do lunch or something and catch up. Love you and keep on going.
It is so wonderful to hear from you, PB! It has been a while. Thank you for continuing to read and for sharing a little bit of what God’s been doing in your own life lately. I always love to hear from you. And yes, I would love to talk over tea again one of these days.:)
And, for the record, I don’t view sewing as a small thing at all (since I cannot even get a button to stay on). We all have our gifts-and I believe one is just as important to the Kingdom as another, just in a different way. Until very soon, my friend and encourager!